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Tiaras and Trucks

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Floundering


Snow fell in Michigan Friday, sparkling flakes that blew in the wind and barely coated the ground, brittle grass peeking through the white afghan.

We made tracks briefly as we walked to the car in the morning, but Abbey kept floating to the window, asking when we could go play in the snow. A simple request, especially considering it was the first real snow we’ve seen this year.

I dragged my heels, thinking of the pulling on of snow pants, the wrestling mittens onto Dylan’s unwilling hands, the way the cold would sneak through the loose knit of my grey cap.

Dylan resisted his nap, finally falling asleep an hour after I expected; I exhaled, calculating that darkness would be creeping into the sky by the time he awoke.

Cloaked in guilt, my shoulders sagged.

I’ve been floundering lately, inexplicably on the verge of tears, feeling overwhelmed despite being more on top of my streamlined responsibilities than I have in months. Instead of appreciating the fifty-four items checked off my list, I’m focusing on the two stragglers that remain unfinished. 

My patience is thin.

I avoided playing in the snow.

Abbey crawled in my lap to read a book, looking sadly at Dylan’s closed door, as though it was his fault that we weren’t bundled against the cold. Her weight on my legs surprises me lately, the way I have to strain around the soft hair that once fit so compactly against my chest.

There won’t be many more Januaries where she and Dylan are home with me, excepting a few hours of preschool each week. There won’t be many more Januaries where they look to their snow pants with excitement and not disdain for such juvenile trappings.

Pushing back my hesitation, I slid her off my lap, pulling jackets and snow pants and hats and mittens and gloves out of the closet, readying them for the moment Dylan began stirring in his room.

Gleefully, they played in the inch of snow, Abbey making snow angel after snow angel, not caring if she was on the grass or the driveway. Dylan shadowed her, cheeks reddening as dusk threatened to slide into darkness.

I wish I could end with the fading light, our moments of laughter crowding out the anxiety hovering somewhere in my chest.

But Dylan’s tantrum on having to go inside was epic.

Our public school district is moving to all-day kindergarten, which doesn’t affect us now but may change our plans for next year.

I need new running shoes.

All little bumps that shouldn’t add up to much stress at all.

My brain knows this.

But as rain turned to sleet outside my window today, tears pricked behind my eyes, reminding me that this feeling wasn’t so simply exorcised.

And I’m not sure why.


 
Thanks to Shell for Pour Your Heart Out.
I needed it this week.

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16 Comments:

  • At January 18, 2012 at 2:17 AM , Anonymous Alison@Mama Wants This said...

    *HUGS* Feel better soon, Angela. And hold your children close. xo

     
  • At January 18, 2012 at 10:36 AM , Anonymous Emmy said...

    But you did it- even if it had just been for the 15 minutes you did it.  It is so easy to say there is not time of fine a reason to say no, just every little step every time saying yes is a win in the right direction.

     
  • At January 18, 2012 at 11:40 AM , Anonymous Tatter Scoops said...

    Sending you hugs. Those precious children of yours making snow angels on your driveway is precious memories captured for sure.

     
  • At January 18, 2012 at 11:56 AM , Anonymous shellthings said...

    Oh girl. I so get it. That overwhelmed feeling, every little thing adding up. At least you got the kids out there and let them have fun! xo 

     
  • At January 18, 2012 at 12:16 PM , Anonymous molly said...

    You know, our posts are kind of similar today. It's about the struggle to be grateful for the time we have with our children. And sometimes frustration and thin-patience win out. I realize that. But it still makes me feel guilty.
    Here's hoping that the sessions at Blissdom might inspire you and get you back on track. I am certainly hoping that they do so for me!

     
  • At January 18, 2012 at 12:43 PM , Anonymous Angela said...

    I will be over to read yours and send hugs :)  I am so looking forward to Blissdom and the chance to reflect and figure out where to go in this crazy journey of life :)

     
  • At January 18, 2012 at 12:43 PM , Anonymous Angela said...

    Yet the guilt is still there.  Sigh...what else can I do, what should I have done, etc.

    Thanks for understanding Shell. xo

     
  • At January 18, 2012 at 12:44 PM , Anonymous Angela said...

    Oh thank you!  It's actually my Memories Captured "outtake".  I'm linking another one with Galit & Alison tomorrow, but I loved it and thought it fit the post :)

     
  • At January 18, 2012 at 12:45 PM , Anonymous Angela said...

    Thanks Emmy.  You're right that every yes is a good step :)  Thank you!

     
  • At January 18, 2012 at 12:45 PM , Anonymous Angela said...

    Thanks Alison :)  I'll accept all of the hugs I can get.  And their snuggles do put things in perspective a little. xo

     
  • At January 18, 2012 at 2:26 PM , Anonymous Kir said...

    Hey sweet stufff, I thought I was the only one with the winter blues...and BAH I have em. I just can't make myself DO anything, I am just moving through life these days...and at least you are getting things done..I'm always a step away from just breaking down into tears. *SIGH* ...I think we need a good dance song, a good sweet drink and a some time to just talk. xoxox

     
  • At January 18, 2012 at 3:20 PM , Anonymous Where is the ME in Mommy? said...

    Gosh can I relate!  Sometimes the "must do's" in my life get mixed up with the "want to do's" get mixed up with the "they need me's" and it's all very overwhelming.  The days pass so slowly--the years so quickly.  Finding balance ... it is so hard.

     
  • At January 18, 2012 at 4:43 PM , Anonymous rusti said...

    I feel ya. wish I had something more helpful to say...  *hugs*

     
  • At January 30, 2012 at 11:49 AM , Anonymous Angela said...

    Sometimes just hearing that other people "get it" helps more than anything.  So thank you :)

     
  • At January 30, 2012 at 11:49 AM , Anonymous Angela said...

    Yes, that's so true.  Days seem long, but the time is still flying!

     
  • At January 30, 2012 at 11:49 AM , Anonymous Angela said...

    Yes!  Yes to all of those things :)

     

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