She stared at the bars filling the stationary bike’s display, a ghostly replica of hills, focusing her eyes on everything but the unwieldy black brace encircling her right knee.
Her doctor’s words echoed in her head: “No running until we evaluate your progress in approximately three weeks. Maybe some easy cycling.”
Numbers whirled in her head, calories ingested and calories burned. Nodding demurely in the office she had already shrugged off the directive; easy cycling would barely burn off the yogurt she had for breakfast, let alone the cupcakes she’d shoveled into her mouth in the closet after turning them down in front of the rest of the office.
Pushing harder against the plastic pedals, feet almost numb from the pressure, she forced her eyes onto the flashing red numbers, refusing to look down at the brace or up at the treadmills lined against the windows dripping with condensation.
She ignored the twinge in her knee threatening to cross into a scream, concentrating instead on the calories burned, imagining the way she must look to the other gym-goers.
Were they disgusted by the sway of her thighs pumping faster and faster on the pedals?
Were they motivated by the jiggle of her stomach against the thin, ribbed tank?
She pushed harder, struggling to force sweat to bead onto the surface of her forehead or the small of her back, affirming her movement. Accustomed to punishing ten-mile runs, her body refused to sweat; her frustration refused to melt away, expelling a scarfed pint of ice cream with it.
Giving up, tears filled her downturned eyes as she escaped past the wall of mirrors, not recognizing the skeletal reflection as her own.
the prompt:
“The cure for anything is salt water….sweat, tears or the sea.”
~ Isak Dinesen, pseudonym of Baroness Karen von Blixen-Finecke
I have absolutely been there.
ReplyDeleteDenial of absolution--I did not expect that! I liked your descriptions. The stuffing of cupcakes, the 'jiggly', added to the visual nicely.
ReplyDeleteHaunting. You put us right in her mind. That last line grabs you by the throat and makes you ache for her.
ReplyDeleteAt first I thought, yes! This is exactly how I feel at the gym! And then realized that no... she has no fat to sway and jiggle. And my heart constricted a bit when thinking about the people like her that I know.
ReplyDeleteAngela, i loved the way of your description... it looks to the point but it also feels so deep that you want to read each line again... just in case you could find a new hidden gem of a meaning... i enjoyed this piece :) Happy weekend
ReplyDeleteWow this is a roller coaster. At first you are cheering but then you think, no ti is too much
ReplyDeleteooooh, kind of eery, which I love.
ReplyDeleteI like your take on the prompt - the sweat isn't so much a resolution, but she obviously *thinks* it is.
ReplyDeleteLOVE this! I got so caught up in her thoughts, seeing her as she sees herself, that I was totally caught off guard by that last sentence. Powerful insight into the mind of someone who obviously struggles with a negative body image.
ReplyDeleteI have never had an eating disorder but I know 2 very good friends who have...one I almost lost 3 times before she went to rehab. This was haunting and scary to me...but so well written because of it. I also loved how it wasn't sweat that escaped but tears. Well done my friend. Xo
ReplyDeleteWow. This is really powerful. I love the way you combined sweat and tears.
ReplyDeleteYour last sentence said so much! Great job!
ReplyDeleteThis was chilling. I have people close to me with eating disorders and this was very real. Excellent job.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry :( I can't imagine it's a comfortable or fun place to be :(
ReplyDeleteThank you. I'm glad the descriptions worked for you.
ReplyDeleteI'm all about the happy stuff right now, huh? I felt so much for her, too (
ReplyDeleteI feel like the beginning part sometimes, too. But not the skeletal frame, fortunately.
ReplyDeleteOh, thank you so very much. It means a lot to me that it stands up to a second reading :)
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you felt different emotions about it (and her!)
ReplyDeleteOh Molly, me too. I'm not too "dark" in real life, but it seems to creep out when I'm writing!
ReplyDeleteYes, for her the sweat is part of the problem, I think. And even the tears aren't completely healing. I guess I veered away from the prompt a bit.
ReplyDeleteYes, such a distorted sense of her own body. I feel sad for her.
ReplyDeleteThanks Kir! I don't have the best body image, but this is much farther than anything I've ever personally felt. It's so scary, and I hope that your friends have managed to get their disorders under control. I know for some people it can be a lifelong struggle :(
ReplyDeleteThank you so much. I don't know if I met the healing part of the prompt, though!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much! I wanted it to be a little ambiguous until the end, because she really doesn't have a sense of herself and the way she really looks.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much. There's always a risk writing about things I don't exactly "know," so I am glad it rang true for you.
ReplyDeleteWell written, but the imagery makes me sad that person in story is so obsessed so not to take care of their hurt knee properly to be really well, not just thin--yet I know this scenerio plays out every day in every gym across the country and it is foolish.
ReplyDeleteVery emotional. You sprinkled the breadcrumbs of her true illness throughout and the ending was a sad reality.
ReplyDeleteMy whole body aches for this girl. My heart aches for everyone who struggles with food and weight and addiction.
ReplyDeleteWow: vivid and compulsive reading for those of us who live in a world surrounded by size zeros. Amazing writing!
ReplyDeleteWow. Good stuff, Angela! Riveting, really.
ReplyDeleteVery good! Very real.
ReplyDeleteThank you! It's not a problem I have, but I know it's very real for some people :(
ReplyDeleteThanks Missy. Body image issues are just all over the place.
ReplyDeleteThanks Kate! I can't decide if it makes me feel better or worse to know that so many people, even those you would never expect, struggle with their body image :(
ReplyDeleteAbsolutely. It's so hard to know that this is a reality for some people, no matter where their physical body lies on the spectrum of weight.
ReplyDeleteThanks Carrie. I hoped that it was realistically portrayed.
ReplyDeleteYes, it's hard to know that people struggle so much with the idea of thinness that they are unwilling to listen to what their bodies are actually telling them.
ReplyDeleteI know I'm late (I have a tough time catching up on my reader sometimes) but I had to let you know how much I loved this post.
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