"You're welcome." His dad had talked so much about holding the door Tim could have gotten a doorman over at those new lofts on Seventh. Picturing himself in one of those red hats, he grinned.
"What's so funny?" she whispered as his eyes searched the rows of wooden booths, making sure there were still seats with optimal viewing available.
"Nothing," he answered. Doorman hats probably weren't her style.
"You never tell me what you're thinking," she pouted, pulling off her coat to reveal a faded Ohio State t-shirt.
Confused, he tried to think of what he said to make her mad as the hostess began to place their menus on a table.
He gestured to the largest screen, "Hey, can we grab something closer?"
The hostess shrugged, nodded.
"Thanks. And a couple of beers. Beer's ok, right?" Tim smiled at Jane, suddenly remembering he'd said something wrong. Something about the door?
"Actually, I want to see the drink menu," Jane said, sliding into her chair.
"Big game today," Tim said, checking to make sure he could see at least two of the games starting in thirty minutes.
Silence.
Giving her time to read through the menu, he leaned back and followed the closed captioning on the pre-game show looming large about her head. That loser should've been fired years ago, pulling that stupid mascot head from behind the desk, knowing exactly the reaction he was going to get.
She sighed
"Don't they have good drinks?" he asked, glancing at the menu.
"I thought you wanted to hang out," she said, not meeting his eyes, which he knew meant a long conversation if he didn't do something fast.
"I do."
And he had when he'd invited her to watch the game and have a few beers.
"Really?" Her voice got higher. Was that better? "Oh good!"
His beer came, and Jane ordered one of her own.
"I'm glad you think this is going somewhere," she said, whispering again.
He might have nodded as he took a drink, glad to see the loser had the common sense to pull Brutus's Buckeye Head over his grey hair.
Brutus was better than a doorman's hat. He grinned and saw hers spread across her face, reminding him of why he'd asked her out.
Plus she looked hotter than most twenty year olds in that t-shirt.
the prompt:
no subject restrictions
use a writing "tool" you think you need to polish
I tried working a little more with dialogue and the male POV.
Classic misunderstanding between the sexes. When my husband hangs out with his best friend, they might exchange three words. And that's exactly how he likes it.
ReplyDeleteHe, too, gets overwhelmed by the hidden messages and games we girls do so well.
I think this is an effective perspective of this man. Everything you have him notice reveals a bit.
I liked it..it's new for you and I think you pretty much nailed how guys feel and think. They are inside their own heads as much as we are inside ours.
ReplyDeletePlus the hats was a good place to start with him, pulling it all together.
I enjoyed this Ang. :)
You are a good writer! I would read this book
ReplyDelete"Her voice got higher. Was that better?" Sums up how much men understand women. Really good. I think you nailed it.
ReplyDeleteI read it and then I read it again just to make sure that I fully got it! And you know what.... you did a great job!!
ReplyDeleteI tried writing from the male POV once and it really is harder than one would think.
I think you did a good job with male POV--avoiding a drawn-out conversation, being confused by unspoken clues, etc.
ReplyDeleteI was a little confused by this, "He
might have nodded as he took a drink, glad to see the loser had the
common sense to pull Brutus's Buckeye Head over his grey hair." Is he calling himself the loser?
Look at you with writing from a dude's view like I do with women...very good stuff.
ReplyDeleteI love the flow and dialogue. I enjoyed this.
I think you portrayed the male POV well here. They are oblivious to how we are thinking, so it was spot on.
ReplyDeleteWe don't get lost as often as you think we do. There are many times where we know what is going on but there really isn't a reason to respond, so we don't.
ReplyDeleteWell said. I LOVE men.
ReplyDeleteOohh, he is so clueless. Love it.
ReplyDeleteI feel bad for Jane. She's going to get a surprise someday...or maybe she'll just accept it. Lots of guys like him end up being married :)
I like that you stretched yourself, Angela!
ReplyDeleteI admit to being confused about the mascot head. I also think the internal commentary he had was a little confusing and made it somewhat choppy.
I like the way he seemed so oblivious and how you tried to show not tell.
xo
That was supposed to be a reference to a college football pre-game show, but obviously it didn't work. Thanks so much for being honest about it! I think I will need to work on it a little more, huh?
ReplyDeleteThanks! I don't even think it's that he has bad intentions; I think they're just on different wavelengths about their relationship ;)
ReplyDeleteI appreciate the male perspective here; I really didn't want it to be too stereotypical or portray him as a doofus. I wanted it to be a little more like he thought they were going to watch a game, she thought it was more of a serious date. So it wouldn't occur to him that he'd done anything out of the ordinary because he hadn't really.
ReplyDeleteThank you :) I do think some of the reason they don't know what we're thinking is that we read into things and then don't explain how we got from A to B. At least that's how I am!
ReplyDeleteThanks Lance! It was definitely a stretch, and I need much more practice.
ReplyDeleteThat was a reference to a particular college sports show. Obviously it doesn't work :) I have been hanging out with my husband for too long )
ReplyDeleteAnd thank you!
It's tough, and I'm definitely not comfortable doing it! It took me so much longer to do this than it normally takes for prompts!
ReplyDeleteI like the different way these two see. And hear. You portray well how often men and women misread each other.
ReplyDeleteThank you :) It was a bit of a reach for me, and I do think it needs some work, but I'm happy with it as a starting place.
ReplyDeleteThank you! It's a trick; sometimes my voice gets high when I'm happy, sometimes when I'm angry :)
ReplyDeleteAw, thanks Emmy!
ReplyDeleteThanks Kir :) It's for sure a new place, and to be honest, I don't plan on staying. I think it's a good exercise for me, though!
ReplyDeleteThree words? He must get parched with all that talking ;)
ReplyDeleteEven after so many years of marriage, I am still perplexed that Ryan can't just read my mind :)
I did get confused a little inside his head, but I like that you attempted to get into his psyche.
ReplyDeleteAlso? Many have focused on how HE doesn't catch HER nuances, but she completely misreads him at one point - which is a wonderfully awkward moment. Well done!