The Gavel

Mommy Guilt. Every mom out there knows what I'm talking about. I hope. Not because I wish the feeling onto anyone, but I just hope I'm not alone in this feeling.

(So, I put a picture of the kids at the beginning so those of you who don't want to read my ramblings can just look at the picture and come back tomorrow!  Say hello to the cheesiest "say cheese!" face ever.)

Back to the Mommy Guilt issue.  Is something I'm eating contributing to Dylan's reflux (insert flashback to Abbey's milk allergy here)? Would the sleep issue get better if I stopped letting him nap in the swing? Should I just put him to bed in the swing all of the time? Is letting Abbey watch dancing from Glee and So You Think You Can Dance going to lead to her dancing in fishnets to "All the Single Ladies"? (Google if you're not sure what I'm talking about.) Am I completely ruining Dylan's life by washing his cloth diapers in regular Tide?

I could fill pages with the questions that flood my mind each day. Not all day, of course. For the most part, I am comfortable with the choices and decisions we're making in terms of parenting. I am so much more relaxed this time around; in a way I think I am enjoying Dylan's infancy more than Abbey's, because I am not so nervous and self-conscious about each step I take.

However, there are moments that make me feel so guilty about my choices and decisions. Moments where I doubt everything I'm doing. Those moments generally occur in the middle of the night, when most people are asleep, and I am exhausted and snuggling a non-sleeping baby for the third hour in a row. They happen at other times, too, like when Abbey melts down in the middle of a store or I realize I am in the middle of Target with spit-up down the back of my shirt.

I honestly thought some of the guilt would dissipate when I became a stay-at-home-mom. A lot of my guilt with Abbey, at the beginning, had to do with the amount of time I was able to spend with her. I had a hard time leaving her at nights or on weekends, because I was leaving her so much during the week. When I knew I would be staying home, I thought I would relish having some time away from the kids. I haven't gotten to that place yet.

I'm working on this. I know it's important to my relationships to be away from them at times. They need time away from me, too; let's be honest, I can't possibly be that entertaining! My marriage and my friendships are important to me, and I need to have time with Ryan and my friends that isn't focused on Abs & Dylan. I need time to run and clear my head.

Some of the sweetest hugs are the "welcome back" hugs that come after I've been away, but it's difficult to push back those lingering doubts. That verdict is in - guilty, guilty, guilty. And another question arises: whose hand is holding the gavel?